I've Missed You

Dear Blog...

I know I've been the worst sort of blogger, you know, the kind that doesn't actually blog. I think I ran out of steam a while back, and couldn't gather the focus I needed to put anything down. BUT, I haven't given up completely. Anyway, I don't have some goal to meet here, it's just an outlet I enjoy. I love reading other people's blogs, and at the very least I do that as often as possible. Other people are so much more interesting anyway.

Today I will revisit and update some topics that I've been discussing here over the last few months. This might be incredibly boring, but you know what they say, art mimics life. Whatever! I guess I'm saying my life is boring, let's just say, it is pretty stable, and not all that exciting which can be a good thing.

1. I gave up homeschooling. I know, I know, I'm disappointed in me too, but I think I waited too long and just could not get her into it as much as I would have liked. I decided to put her back in school in January, and honestly, we are both so much happier. Everything is going to be all right. It was a big decision, but overall I think things are much better, the time we did spend with it has helped rebuild her confidence in herself, and I think she is doing so much better. The kid was miserable with homeschooling, she really wanted to be around other kids. Of course we let her have friends over and things, but it just wasn't enough.

2. My snotty neighbors who hate my dogs have been out of town for a couple of months now, since before Christmas. I imagine they are overseas since she is from Germany, I don't really care though, I'm just glad they aren't around to scorn us, and stare all the time. It's been kinda nice not having them around. We really need to get a privacy fence put up, I'm a complete idiot about these kinds of things, and my husband does not see it as important, so I don't know when that will happen. I can't really afford to have someone else do the work, so I guess I will wait until someone feels like helping with it.

3. Our family is still feeling the loss of my uncle passing in November. We miss him so much. Sometimes I think about it and say to myself, "I can't believe he's gone", but I know he is. It's been really hard for his wife. He was only 54. He really was a special person. I did not realize how many people's lives he touched. So many people were there. He was a police officer in a small town, he worked his way up to Captain of the department. Several people said that he helped them turn away from trouble and straighten up their lives. He did that just by offering advice and kind words. It all surprised me because he was such a private person, and yet so many people felt they knew him so well.

Everyone in town knew where he lived. I always thought that he should worry, that perhaps some criminal would try to bother him at home, but no one did. My dad said, "even the bad guys liked him" and it wasn't because he gave them a pass, it was because he had a way of talking people out of being idiots. In fact, he was known as a great negotiator, and could talk a crazy person out of jumping off the courthouse. There was a calmness about him even though he had his own demons. Anyway, a lot of people miss him.

4. Now that the kiddo is in school again, I've been really trying to decide what to do with all of this free time I have. I know I've got plenty of chores around the house to do, but that's not the point, I can do that stuff any time. I've practically been obsessing about what I should do. Should I go back to school? I only stopped going because I wanted to give her a shot at homeschool. Should I just give up my wild fantasies about being some powersuit wearing careerwoman and just go back to work full-time and make as much money as I can. I wouldn't make bad money working full-time, but I wouldn't be very useful the rest of the time because I'd be running hither and thither all the time and being tired from getting my ass physically kicked at work.

I mentioned going back to work full-time to my husband, and he sorta frowned. I think he likes me being off more when he is home. I hesitate because I don't want to give up that time with him. Right now I work in a trade, i.e. I went to a tradeschool to learn this. I could go to another tradeschool and learn other things that compliment what I'm doing here, and then go back to full-time next year or so. That's the other option. My work has been very slow right now, and that has made me feel insecure with the field I am in. I think it has a lot to do with the economy, and that people will start indulging more once they start feeling more secure again.

You know when people start feeling tight with money, the first thing that goes is the five dollar cup of coffee, essentially what I do is equivalent to that, although not the same thing of course, I'm not a barista, I'm just making a comparison. I've got a lot of decisions to make about that situation.

If I was to do what I really want to do, that would mean going back to college again. I did that, and it was very frustrating working, mothering, wifing, and schooling, but I was doing quite well in my classes. I really got annoyed with my philosophy instructor who used the opportunity to teach us as head game time. I guess 18 year olds have more time for that type of thing, they have a little more time on their side to repeat a course if necessary. I'm 37, I had no trouble with the material, I was good on that, it's just he kept screwing with our heads so much I couldn't take it. I ended up dropping the course and losing the money I paid for it.

The courses droned on and on, taking 16 weeks to complete. As a part-time student, taking one or two courses that pace was way too slow for me. I got the feeling I would never get done with school. I think that has to do with the age thing. I need to find a program that is faster paced than that, I did find one, it costs 4 times the amount of money as the public institutions. I couldn't afford it.

Money is an issue in this equation as well. I have to come up with tuition and books, and with my work being so slow, we've had to tighten up quite a bit. Even if I was to quit my job and throw myself into school, I don't think we could afford that. We need that bit I am bringing in to stay in balance financially. There are always new tires, or something that's needed. With him commuting the way he does, working out of state, we just can't run paycheck to paycheck the way we could if he was driving 10 miles to work at home, but the money he makes is so good it is worth it to drive that far.

We could move, but none of us wants to do that. I've offered many times to move up there, but he doesn't want to. We probably should move, but we've bought a house here, and the market is not good to sell it, we don't have enough equity in it yet, and renting the house out at the price of our mortgage is unlikely. Houses rent around here for about $900, our mortgage is $1100. And moving would mean having our daughter change school again. Neither of us wants her to have to do that. And it would mean leaving my job, and the possibility that my income wouldn't be as easily replaced up there.

But you know what, it may sound like it, but I am not all worried about all of this. I know the answer will appear in time. I'm just thinking about things, eventually the mystery will unravel and I will know what to do.

5. In case any one was wondering the puppy is getting to be a big boy. He's naughty a lot of the time, and sweet all the time. I just had to yell at him to get out of the cat box, he was actually standing in there digging around for a morsel. The cats are sitting on a table staring down at him like he is some alien life force. They pretty much hate him. He is small enough to get under my bed which is their favorite hiding place. He has been a lot of fun, and he really knows how to charm, and beg.

This post is too long. I'm ending it here. Have a wonderful day.