Where We Come From

Pop Psych 101.

We are all pretty good at being pop psychologists. Back when talk shows were as common as today's reality shows, all sorts of people became pretty well versed in pop psych. Some people take it all quite seriously, and seem to spend their lives expecting others to live up to their own idea of what is psychologically healthy. I got so tired of it, I pretty darn near just gave up on psychology altogether as a sort of fruit loop thing that people use to bonk each other over the head with in arguments.

I got tired of hearing about self esteem. I got tired of being analyzed, and analyzing others. I just got tired of it all. But it can be an interesting subject. I think that is the appeal of Dr. Phil, he doesn't seem to spend so much time psycho-analyzing, but rather seems to tell people point blank, "well that seems like a silly thing to do", or something along that line.

Well, we all carry around various burdens of life, of things that have happened to us, and hurt us. We carry our shame, our pain, and our regrets. Of course, not all of us have as much as others, but most of us have some junk somewhere in our minds that we would much rather forget. I know I do.

The thing that makes life seem so random and unfair is that bad things happen to good people, and good things can happen for bad people, and every other combination in between. What are you going to do? Get on with things I guess.

Sometimes those things creep back up on us, pop up in our minds when we would rather they wouldn't. It happens to me all the time. I would rather not think about some things. The only thing I can do is try to learn from the mistakes. I know there are bad, horrible, rotten people in this world, I have met a few of them. I have been hurt by some of them. I feel lucky that they are not in my life, and cannot hurt me anymore, but I carry my shame, my pain, and my regrets.

I try to avoid the mistake of blame. If I blame the wrong doer for my problems of today, in essence, I am still allowing them to harm me. If I blame X event, for my own problems, I am still allowing X event to hurt me. I blame the wrong doer for his wrong doing, but if I live my life basing decisions on his wrong, then I am never free of it.

I know that years of verbal abuse by other children and even total strangers ripped my confidence right out from under me. I know that years of verbal abuse is the reason I feel so unworthy at times.

I believe if a child is told just often enough, you are worthless, you are dumb, ugly, or fat, or anything else people can come up with, it will stick with them. They might not know how, or when, or why they think these things about themselves, or where the awful ideas came from, but it will be there none the less, and it will affect them, and who ever comes along and tries to counter all of these things with reason will feel they are spitting in the wind because it is so difficult to shake these things.

They will have to be told over and over and over again, that they are not the awful thing others described, and they ARE worthy of being treated kindly, and even then they will not believe it because it will take only the slightest incident to convince them once again that they are total crap.

It is just completely ridiculous when you think about it, but it is what it is. That is socialization. That is what it is all about. Sure, some people don't have these awful experiences, maybe most, I don't know. I can only speak to what I've seen, and heard.

Oh, I believe that good self-esteem comes from doing things worth feeling proud of, and I also think that children don't need their self-esteems fluffed up so much. Children seem to think rather highly of themselves quite naturally, but I do believe they can have it destroyed. I do believe that whether reason, or maturity would agree, being constantly degraded as a child has a long lasting ill effect on the individual.

Luckily, in adulthood we tend to overcome many of these demons, but ask just about any adult would they like to go through their childhood once more, and the over whelming consensus would be, "Hell Frickin' NO!" I would venture to guess that only those who would like to repeat childhood would be those who want to go back and box a few ears, and right a few wrongs, but other then that, no one wants to go through it again.

I would like to go back to my childhood to right a few wrongs, and kick a few asses, but that's not going to happen, so I've got to get on with life as it is. I would have been a perfect kid for home schooling. I was abused quite often at school. At one point in high school I found myself surrounded by a group of about 10 guys calling me fat bitch, cow, and mooing at me while one of them got in my face and threatened me to do something about it. Yeah, it was great. I pretty much felt like dying that day, but I held my head up and walked away. I guess that is life.

I guess that is the type of socialization my daughter will miss out on now that she is being home schooled. That is just one incident, I've got a lot more, but I don't see the point in listing it all out here. Sure, I love for her to have friends, and have fun with them, and she does anyway, but I am rather quite happy that she might skip that horrible period of time, and maybe get to adulthood without thinking she is a worthless piece of crap.

Some people might think that these types of experiences are necessary, and help us grow. I don't agree at all, not even in the least. I spent most of my school days horribly depressed. So depressed sometimes that I could not even make it through the whole day of school without faking an illness and calling my mother to let me come home. It was absolutely a dreadful time. I would just be walking down the hall minding my own business and some cretin and his stupid friends would come along and humiliate me as much as possible just for their own entertainment.

I was depressed because I hated being forced to live each day with total embarrassment, or wondering when the next incident was going to occur, and how bad would it hurt. Those horrible years stifled me, I lost valuable bits of my education because the environment was so awful, I literally missed school as often as possible. I managed to keep up my grades because I spent so much time catching up on my work at home. I wanted to learn, I wanted to do well, I just could not handle being treated so terrible day in and day out. Yes, kids can be so mean, but these were kids old enough to know better.

When I was in school, I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait to be part of the adult world where people would behave with maturity and manners. Unfortunately, I've been disappointed by these so called adults a few times, but now I have the knowledge that this is just their character flaws shining through, and it is about them and not me for once. However, I still avoid groups because I generally see them as the blind leading the blind. I can't stand groups. Oh, I love people, I love to spend time with people, I hate being alone most of the time, but I pick and choose who, and when. I can't stand being forced into group activities with people. Yuck.

Is this all a part of the rite of passage from childhood to adulthood? It is in our society, but that doesn't mean it is the right way to raise children. I don't see cramming hundreds of hormones, oops I mean children, into buildings as necessarily the best way to socialize them, but I am bit biased on that.

Maybe I just don't get it. I wonder what Dr. Phil would say. Well, not really, I can probably guess. He might say, "just because you had bad experiences in school, does not mean you should keep your child home and have her miss out on all of wonderful socialization that takes place in the halls of our public schools." To which I would reply, "Yes, I know, let's see, we now have horrible gang problems, thuggery, drugs, school shootings, promiscuity, rap music mentality and widespread failure of the school system to educate its charges, yes, I think things are a lot better now than when I went to school." How is that good old socialization working out for us now?

Heck, my friend's kids are in one of the better school districts and her son was shot in the hand by a classmate with a BB gun causing him to have to have surgery to remove the BB which was lodged in the hand, had damaged the bone, and caused all sorts of scarring in there. Granted, this happened at the kid's house, but he was his classmate, and one of the less savory of students.

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. The decision is made.