Update

Nothing Going On.

It is strange how one day you can feel like the whole world is weighing so heavily on your shoulders, and the next, barely recognize that the day before you felt so discouraged. I guess it just takes a while to put it all in perspective that's all. Sometimes there are things that just can't be helped. I hate that, but it's real, and there is no way around it.

Our children aren't always what we expected, our lives aren't always what we expected, things don't always turn out the way we planned. I trod along every day thinking my marriage is made of stone, and that nothing can ever change that, I picture us together the rest of our lives, and then there is a disagreement, or an argument, and for a split second I think, "What if we never make up?" "What if we don't ever reach an agreement?" For me that is a cold and dreaded thought because I have truly dedicated myself to the idea that he and I will be together forever, as long as we live, period, end of subject.

Then it happens one cold morning, we have an argument that ends bitterly without words, in silence. Silence is such a deadly thing to let enter a marriage. Silence builds on so many weaknesses, it will drive a wedge, and do the worst thing possible: cause distrust. Not distrust in the obvious way like, I can't trust you to leave the house without seeking out another woman's company, no, it's much more sinister than that, it is when you wonder, is there a possibility that this person does not want to spend the rest of his life with me, and they are just playing along? Oh it's such an awful feeling, it hurts so deep in my soul just to think of the possibility.

That is why you "don't go to bed angry with each other", that old saying that older, and wiser people tell young people in love. I remember being told that so much when I first got married, and I thought, "well, what if you're tired?" So, we went to bed angry, and woke up angry, and we stewed, and we ignored each other, and I absolutely would never want to go through that again. I HATE the silent treatment. I think it's cruel, mean and petty. It lends an ear to all sorts of demons, doubts and mistrust.

It is in those times, when we are too upset to speak to each other that I realize how fragile a marriage can be. That one fight, one big long unresolved argument can drive a wedge the size of Texas in there, and there isn't a damn thing that's going to remove it other than a court of law. I hate the thought of that, but like a tango, it takes two people, and they have to agree to not let a small crack in the bedrock become an enormous canyon that will divide, and separate us.

It's not always easy. I don't mean that just from my perspective either, I know he feels the same sorrows and pains when we fight. I guess it will just take time for souls to heal.