The Crazy Side of Crazy

Indulging Neurosis.

Got up early this morning and couldn't seem to get back to sleep. I let the dogs out to do their thing, and decided to prep my coffee while they were outside. I heard the girl dog bark a couple of times, and I thought, "Oh great! The neighbors will love that." Because they just love our dogs, and their barking. I'm always conscious of each and every bark they make. I feel like I can barely let them out, and I certainly can't let them just stay out there and bark whenever they darn well feel like it.

I waited a second to see if she was going to continue to bark, and luckily for me she decided whatever it was she was barking at was not worth it and hushed up. We have been working with them on their barking, but they still do it, which is why I have them for goodness sakes. Well that, and they are really sweet babies, but I mostly wanted dogs for protection, and to ward off unwanted strangers, plus they are great companions. I don't really need to go on and on about all the reasons I wanted these dogs, but they do give me a certain peace of mind when I go to sleep at night. I like the idea that the boy dog roams the house at night, and I feel like I can sleep a little deeper knowing he will bark if anything is amiss.

Believe me, he has woke me up plenty of times when those orange cats of mine are up to no good. He has taken it as his mission in life to bark at those cats in the middle of the night, and who knows what they are up to, but I'm sure he has a good reason for it even if it does scare me half to death to wake up and wonder what he is barking about. Anyway, it gives me a sense of security knowing my two dogs are there to hear what I might not hear when I am snoring like an overstuffed pig while clutching my purple pillow. It is the best pillow, that's why I put a purple pillow case on it, it is the only one with a purple pillow case, so when I get in bed and hubby has tried to steal it, I say where is my purple pillow? And he immediately gives it up. He knows it is mine. He's a good man that way.

Of course, when my dog barked at 4:00am, I thought to myself, what would I do if my neighbors decided to really cause trouble for my dogs despite our best efforts to silence them--the dogs that is--and what if one day the authorities showed up and took my dogs away? These are the sorts of neurotic thoughts I think on 5 hours of sleep. But really, what if? What if's are so neurotic, I know, but I would guess most people indulge in what if thoughts now and then. Well, I did, and I started thinking that I would be devastated, and then the slightly vindictive side of me thought, well, I would paint a giant picture of my dogs on the side of my house.

That wasn't enough though. I imagined my neighbors having to stare at the faces of my dogs each and every day there painted on the side of my house that they love to stare at all the time. I laughed inside thinking, what would they do? Then I thought, well maybe that would be more than a little crazy thing to do, but it would make a point. I thought perhaps I could hire an artist to do a mural all along the side of my house so that every day they could look out their window and see the 10 foot tall faces of my two dogs which they hate. Then it occurred to me, I could put up a white privacy fence to run the length of the back yard, and I could have the images of my dogs running the fence and snarling at children running in sheer terror from the barking frothing at the mouth rabid dogs. I had it all pictured in my mind, it was quite amusing really, but then I realized I was entertaining some seriously crazy ideas, and decided to take my crazy a different direction.

What if I painted my entire house purple, and trimmed it with pink shutters? Then I could paint the privacy fence purple, and still have a mural on it, but it would be flowers and stuff, and I could even have rabbits and deer painted on there. I thought, big giant daisy on the side of the purple house. I imagined my husband coming home to these changes and just immediately accepting them all, and laughing alongside with me. It would be the crazy junk yard man across the street, and our insane hippy house next door, but at least our dogs wouldn't be barking right? What could anyone say? We aren't hurting them, well, I guess we would be hurting property value in a way if that is even possible in a neighborhood like this. It is not like we have covenants.

Eventually, I felt ashamed of myself for actually contemplating these things seriously. Of course my mother would be quite proud because despite her innocent pie eating ways, she is truly deep down inside a deviant. We all know this about her, and I know she would find my ideas wonderful and completely sane. My father would be totally appalled, and would shake his head and mutter, "I'm not amused" while he quietly disowned me. Good thing I married a man like my father to keep me grounded.

I even thought, fine, if I have to get rid of my dogs then I will have to buy a gun for protection. I imagined myself sitting on my front porch with a shot gun across my lap, unloaded of course, but just there for show. That would be pretty unnerving to some I suppose. I quickly discarded that idea thinking, it is better not to advertise such things. There are criminals who do break in to places to steal guns. I think the element of surprise is better in that case.

After sipping on some coffee and waking up a bit, I'm glad I'm not faced with such decisions. I will just have to continue to be vigilant with the dogs, and make sure they are not allowed to bark like maniacs, thereby keeping peace with the neighbors, and besides, I really don't want to paint my house purple even if I do really like that color. See, I'm not as crazy as I sound.