Have You Ever Wondered?

Things I Need To Know.

A lady never passes gas while in the company of others. Yet, we must accept the fact that biology dictates that in fact, even ladies do pass gas, the only exception being my sister who really hasn't passed gas in the presence of any other human being since approximately 8th grade. That was the last recorded instance of her passing gas, oh wait, I'm sorry there was that time we were all playing cards at my mom's kitchen table about 2 years ago, and we had a huge laugh because my sister passed gas.

What was so funny about that is not someone passing gas, but someone so proper passing gas is hilarious. She had kept up her record for 20 years, and finally we watched and listened as her will broke, and she let loose a thunderous roar. What made it even funnier is we were all thinking the same thing, "She hasn't done that since 8th grade!" Of course, someone blurted that out, and we all started laughing even more, including my sister, who then was unable to contain about 3 other outbursts of hot air, which nearly had us all falling out of our chairs. We found it enormously funny that she could not stop the wind from blowing no matter how hard she tried.

Now, broads on the other hand might be a bit more free with these types of things. A broad might even belch in front of others, really, it does happen. Being the broad that I am, I try not to be too rude about things around delicate types, but in the privacy of home I pretty much let whatever thing that wants to, rip. It's not a pleasant thing, no, not at all, but why hold it in?

I inherited this stomach problem from my mother. Certain foods make our bellies rumble, and well, neither one of us could hold a fart to save our lives. Generally though, I still try not to release embarrassing sounds in front of co-workers and other shoppers at the Wal-Mart store, I can't say the same for my mother who has the honored distinction of having cleared a line at the grocery store. I don't know why she always decides when she gets in line that she can no longer hold the thing, but it has happened multiple times with everyone in the family, and we all know she does it.

I realized one day as I walked through the parking lot towards my car at work, I had been holding in a manly amount of gas. I looked behind me, no one around, all right, time to release I thought, and so I did leaving a trail of Silent and Not So Silent But Deadlies in my wake. But then the weather turned cold, really cold, and now I have this horrible fear that when I do it others will be able to see my breath, and I'm not talking about the breath coming out of my mouth and nose if you catch my drift.

How I reached this age in life without figuring this out is beyond me, but here I am. I can't be the only one who has ever wondered about this.